For a man who never mentions Manchester United, Kylian Mbappe does a lot of advising Manchester United on strikers.

I guess that’s why they call it the BluesYou will be astonished to learn that Chelsea having a first-team squad of 31 players (plus six/seven out on loan depending on whether you still consider Baba Rahman to be a footballer, plus the incoming Christopher Nkunku) is actually unsustainable.

Actually, you will not be astonished but there is a collective decision that you really should be. For it is time to talk about Chelsea fire sales and clear-outs.

The Sun go for clear-out (or clearout, which seems unnecessarily American), with Andrew Dillon writing:

‘CHELSEA face a huge summer clearout after revealing a whopping £121MILLION loss for last season.’

There’s a lot of talk about FFP and the like, but really the truth is that Chelsea have a f***-load of players and need to sell some this summer. But who?

‘The Blues must now offload some of their best players by June 30 to keep their losses below the permitted £105m limit over three years.’

Oh bloody hell. So Enzo Fernandez? Reece James? Thiago Silva? Benoit Badiashile? Kai Havertz? Wesley Fofana?

‘Most profitable will be homegrown stars like midfielder Mason Mount, Trevoh Chalobah, Conor Gallagher, Ruben Loftus-Cheek and Callum Hudson-Odoi who cost the club nothing in transfer fees.’

Oh. Want to guess how many of those ‘best players’ were in Chelsea’s starting line-up last week v Everton?

None. Zero. Zip. Zilch.

Now you might argue that Mount is one of their better players and you would be absolutely correct, but nobody should or would shed tears over the sale of the rest.

‘Other senior men like Mateo Kovacic, keeper Edouard Mendy, plus wingers Hakim Ziyech and Christian Pulisic will also be up for grabs.’

Hmmm. Still feels like Chelsea might be keeping their ‘best players’.

Over at the Mirror they opt for ‘firesale’. That makes Mediawatch itch a little but let’s go with it…

‘Chelsea face axing seven first team stars in order to avoid breaching Premier League rules’

Seven first-team stars, you say? We have already seen nine names in The Sun. Will they be the same names?

‘Top of the list for the players at risk is Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, with the forward appearing to have no future at Stamford Bridge.’

Seems fair but not sure anybody will give a shiny sh*t.

‘Full list of players: Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, Mason Mount, Conor Gallagher, Trevoh Chalobah, Ruben Loftus-Cheek, Christian Pulisic, Hakim Ziyech’

So of those ‘seven first-team stars’, exactly one of them started Chelsea’s last Premier League game.

We trust the Mail will keep things in perspective:

‘Mason Mount, Edouard Mendy, Christian Pulisic and Ben Chilwell top a TEN-MAN list of players Chelsea may need to sell in a ‘huge summer clear-out to balance the books’ after a £121m loss BEFORE their transfer splurges’

At this stage we’re just cheered by the hyphen in clear-out.

Kylian me softy with his songBut do you know what’s better than some guff about a Chelsea fire sale/clear-out that may or may not involve any players Chelsea actually want? Pretending Manchester United could sign Kylian Mbappe, that’s what.

It could only be the Mirror and the one of the most egregious uses of the word ‘as’ that Mediawatch has ever seen…

‘Man Utd news: Erik ten Hag handed transfer boost as Kylian Mbappe gives seal of approval’

Regular Mediawatch readers will know that the first clause of that sentence is entirely unconnected to the second but it is not regular Mediawatch readers who will click and click and click and make lovely, lovely money for the publishing company.

FYI, the ‘transfer boost’ is that Rasmus Hojlund is a Manchester United fan. And Kylian Mbappe has given his ‘seal of approval’ for a Manchester United move for Evan Ferguson by saying he is a “very good striker” without once mentioning Manchester United.

‘Man Utd news’ indeed.

Over in The Sun, ‘Kylian Mbappe tells Man Utd they’re getting ‘very complete’ striker if they SNUB Harry Kane for World Cup star’. For an entirely unconnected footballer, he does an awful lot of advising and telling Manchester United without ever mentioning Manchester United.

For whom the Bell playsBut what we are truly waiting for is Kylian Mbappe’s opinion on Jude Bellingham signing for Manchester United. We would opt for ‘unlikely’ after he turned them down before, but that was before we heard his interview after England’s win over Ukraine. When all the clues were revealed.

‘England star Jude Bellingham hints why he may choose Man Utd transfer over Liverpool’

The Express have this nailed here. And by the opening paragraph, it’s not just a ‘hint’ but…

‘Jude Bellingham has offered a huge hint over why he could snub a summer transfer to Liverpool in favour of Manchester United.’

That’s right, it’s a ‘huge hint’.

‘Despite standing next to his boyhood idol Steven Gerrard after full-time, his comments may not bode well for Liverpool fans hoping he arrives at Anfield at the end of the season.’

Did he cite Champions League football as a factor? Did he say he finds ‘This Means More’ excruciatingly cringe-worthy?

Well of course he sodding didn’t. This is what he said that was apparently such a ‘huge hint’:

“I think I’ve still got so much to learn, but you have the best chance with the guys in that [England] changing room and the ones at Dortmund.

“I’m like a sponge at the minute, to be honest. I just want to take everything in at any chance I get to learn about the game.”

And on that basis, Liverpool are ruled out because ‘if a crucial factor of Bellingham’s decision is where he can learn from the best, Anfield suddenly doesn’t pose as an enticing destination’.

So we are to believe that he is utterly stoked to be learning from Jordan Henderson, Declan Rice and Kalvin Phillips, but he will balk at the chance to learn from Jordan Henderson, Thiago and Fabinho?

Sorry but f*** all the way off with your nonsense. We won’t believe it until we hear from Mbappe.